The square root of 576

I've got some decisions to make, re: situational existence. I feel as though things have to change soon. They've been stagnant for far too long. And things have come up which make me question the current rut find myself in. Normally I'm in support of rutting. A good rut can do wonderful things for anybody. Its that pleasant little groove which is consistent in depth and breadth so as to comfort us in the regularity of its presence. Ruts are also hard to break out of. Not always a bad thing. If the rut you're in is sufficiently comforting it allows you to focus your attention on other things. I think this rut has pretty much run its course, however, and I am left unsatisfied.

I would like something. A good solid catalyst. A swift kick to flip me over and tumble me into something I neither expected nor would have found on my own. Ironically, there are two slaps waiting for me at the end of 24 hours. It was a fair bet, though I was foolish to make it. I have wondered and considered that perhaps my foolishness was a result of a comfort. For only in such a context would I have been so adamant on the wager. No matter, that is to be settled and there is no element of said transaction that need be altered. The matter which creases my brow is again that which I have expressed hope might be soon changed. To do so a vested interest must be taken. Until now, I realize, I have been taking my ease, expecting to jump out of the set pattern of my life via the concerted actions of fate and some elusive specter of whom I know not. I suppose I have been waiting. I know who it is I have been waiting for. I realized the wisdom which prevented me from making a choice this morning, giving advice to a friend. I commented on the nature of relationships, and how the reason why I was still content to wait was because under no circumstances would I have not had to wait. The person I've been waiting for would have had to be someone other than themselves in order to end my waiting and bring about a change in my life. I'm not sure it would have worked anyways. I haven't decided if I'm actually good for anyone. I suppose I would have to go ahead and see, but I am cautious by nature. I try to plan things, and be prepared before I enter them. I have heard it said that the times in your life you learn the most about yourself are when you are forced to meet a challenge without being ready. I'm almost always ready. I don't react well to surprise. I'm getting better, I promise.

It's obvious, at this point, that I'm having trouble organizing my thoughts, and really I'm just thinking out loud here. It's a way of expounding the troubling depths of my muddled understanding. Before entering, please don boots. Unfortunate, is it not, that the warning comes halfway, rather than before the path begins. That's how it goes.

Well I don't know if I've resolved anything, other than that I wanted to knock myself out of my usual pattern and into a more explosive experience, the resultant of which would invariably be change. I' m not going to do that. Not on my own. Maybe I'll keep waiting. Gosh, I hope there's a moral to this story. That's right, everything will become clear in the end. Damn book is upside down...