Thought

'I measure myself by the stirrings of an unladen heart,

and others by the reflections found therein.'

'Each of you was born with three keys to the doors of your journey.

The first is for your dreams; it makes the impossible possible.

The second is for your faith; it tells you to believe in youth.

And above all the third is for love; the instinct to respect each other.

Dreams, faith, and love. With these three, anything is possible.

It is your journey, but it is our destination.'

- S. Roberts and P. Wagg

Journey of Man

'No man, nor any living thing in this world, preserves their life forever. But only to men is it given to know that we must die, and that is a precious gift. This life that is both our torment and our treasure was never meant to endure for eternity. Life is a wave on the sea. Would you force the sea to grow still to save one wave?'

- Ursula K. LeGuin

Tales from EarthSea

Yaarab

Yaarab

You just don't stop with this end of the world nonsense do you? I wouldn't care but it actually seems to bother you, like the world is going to blow up in three years or so and you think that somehow your 'knowing about it' would make that easier. Stop trying to convince me with your conspiracy theories and scientific facts, because those facts aren't from reputable sources, and those theories are exactly that and nothing more, because there can be no proof beyond reasonable doubt of any of these occurrences. You're not a scientist, nor do you have the basic know-how to be able to decipher the bullshit from the rest of it. Neither do I, but I do have the good sense not be drawn into a state where I need to constantly worry about the end of the world coming and not how I'm going to plan for my future.

You mentioned that I should find faith, because if the world ends faith is the only thing thats going to save me. I think if the world ends, depending on circumstances, the only thing thats going to save me is either extensive preparation (non-applicable in this case) or sheer luck. I can rely on neither. Nor do I believe faith would save me, at least not in the sense you mean. What do you hope to accomplish in the next life you can't accomplish here and now? finding peace? find peace today, find peace tomorrow. Worst case scenario you find peace and the world ends. well, at least you found peace. Best case you find peace and the world doesn't end. You still found peace. Why not just try and find peace and deal with the rest when you get there? The question is, how do we find peace.

You told me, in no uncertain terms, that to find peace I need to find my faith in God. I don't know that I believe in God the way I 'ought to'. I don't have that faith; I don't turn to Him in times of dire need. Thats not my way, for why would I turn to someone I'm not entirely certain exists? Seems ludicrous. The way I think of it, my belief should have nothing to do with the judgement which some people say awaits my soul after death. Any God I can imagine existing wouldn't begrudge me a healthy amount of skepticism. In fact, He should be proud of the fact that I'm being cautious about the treatment and care of my immortal soul. We must always question, only then will we know answers.

Anyways I'm tired, I'm going to bed.

gnite

Given

It is important for us to find some small measure of satisfaction in the acts that we undertake. Having our eyes opened to the lives we have created and been thrust equally into garbed only in humanity and trust we must look for strength and enduring faith within ourselves. It does not fall to us to be faithful, only for that sake. But we must always be faithful to ourselves. Though the stronger oppose us and the more dominant beat at our hearts there is always that aura which cannot be quelled; that fire which cannot be quenched; it behoves us to act with the inner pride of purpose and clarity of vision which earmarks all the greatest undertakers of the greatest human acts. Kindness, charity, discretion, devotion, faithfulness, perseverence, sacrifice, appreciation, etc. The greatest gifts we have to give contain within them the strength another requires to succeed. Not just to survive, but to thrive. In every understanding we learn about ourselves, and our capacity to give and to love expands. We give a great many gifts, yet I enumerate the gifts within which I find greatest importance. Communication. Compassion. Willingness to learn. Acceptance. Hope. Optimism. Understanding. Contentment. Unconditional Love. These are the gifts which I have given and which I hope were well received. Received in the spirit in which they were given. It's not a matter of reciprocation, or even of the ability to offer thanks. Even offering inclusivity to the chance that these gifts were never meant to be given, and that they may in fact not all be viewed as gifts, it falls to me to pass along what my eager understanding seems to have discerned. That there is no denying what has already occurred, and that no gift once given ought be returned, know only that I mean every word I say, no matter how unlikely it may seem, and that I would never cast stone against you. At times for me you are the glass house, and I would not have you shattered. After this short time, I ask something of you, in faith, that you will honour this. Though hardships you have endured and day by day your heart mourns and a pressure builds within and all around you, please, please, find heart in the lessons of your life. let me take your burdens and shoulder them , to carry them should you ever have need to move lightly. Let my calm comfort you in times of great stress. Forgive whatever failings you or I possess. All deeds save one, save that one choice which is to remove yourself from choice, all deeds save that will be and have been forgiven. It is the only promise I ask of you. Don't give up. There is so much more left to learn. Live and learn. Learn to live.

So Long, Mal

Sighing a sigh I come to realize and not for the first time what simple joys life offers to me. There are times when I take myself too seriously, or use time not to its fullest advantage.

I don't regret those times.

I like the times that reveal themselves to me through my own self satisfied grin. when i get that tingling in my heart where I feel just like a baby, and a father. by the time I die I will have been both, if my dreams are worth anything at all. Theres so much I want to pass on to a child. So much I can find with them. So much I could give them.

I would be a good father.

this is one of those too rare moments of fulfilment. I look back upon the recent events of my life and I smile. Just...smile....because at the end of it all there was so much there.

and theres so much time for me. Some of us have been given a by, im sorry they are going, have gone; they will be missed. Lets do great things with them in mind.

its so simple!

unexpected inspiration. 

to aspire and improve. self and surroundings. 

its going to be so much better.

I could fall through the ceiling

Have you ever floated away on the never-ending stream of having nothing to say

Ive walked through halls without any doors

Ive seen the cracks under the floors

I know there are places that I'll never go, and I know that I cant mend what you cant sew

however we lay in struddled sunlight, tossing and turning and none too bright

but why the hell shouldnt we have fun, toss the die and see what comes

theres never a time to skip, never to glance, never to run, never to shine, to be blind

We have to grasp and roll and giggle and cuss,

there will never be an end to something we cannot begin.

We've got to do today what has never been done,

I could fall through the ceiling and shatter that sin.

How could we know what the fall would be like, if the glass would turn and glitter and strike

the cold tile floor as I do the gravity dance, never climbing, never rising, not one more chance.

or would I unfurl these rags and make of them wings, to catch the breeze and rise up so high

to reach the place where the choirs sing, and peer down at the ground and that one little fly

Who never could jump but wanted so bad, to rise to the sky and shine as I had

to that fly I would say dont clip your own wings, dont cling to those things

just climb to the edge

of that shadowy ledge

and let yourself glide

dont try to hide

the beauty inside

the blush of a bride

for taking a side

for not having lied

for being pure and never ashamed

knowing that you cant be blamed

Then I would turn, seeing the edge of the things I couldn't learn.

And I would fall, my wings torn and shabby, once more the rags from which they were made.

hoping only, on that endless fall, that you would see in me something worth saving.

Brinner is okay, but I prefer Brupper

Every now and again you have to revise something. You step back from your life and realize that your focus has been misplaced, or that you've been straining so hard towards one thing that the rest of it has fallen away into disrepair. Looking at my watch i realize that I would like to keep things running smoothly, well wound and set to rights. 

Its a measure of things which sets it all in order. Whether by the width of my thumb or the length of my hand I need to set things in their proper way. To decide for the time being what measures are foremost in terms of importance. 

Then again, maybe I already know, and writing them down would only serve to emphasze which ones I want others to think I have decided upon. To much thought involved. I'll just do what I need to. Or at the very least decide that I will so I can rest contentedly tonight and wake up tomorrow with some idea about the world I know. Otherwise tomorrow will be just like today, but cleaner. 

I look forward to having breakfast. 

Whatever that means

I'm going to attempt to be a little general here, so as not to offend those to whom I refer, although said individuals will most likely never read this blog. That being said, I'm going to try and make my point.

I've had the distinct experience of dealing with people for quite some time. Sometimes I wonder why I bother to interact in the fashion to which I have become accustomed. I am...gentle, with people. I coddle them, offering them half truths because The honest perception I observe is not the one they wish to hear. They would maintain an intimate understanding of a world about as deep as their thumbnail. Yet these people often think of themselves as honest souls, seeing things clearly. I don't pretend to see things any more clearly, yet often I see their things more clearly than they see for themselves. We cloud our own understandings, to obscure the harsh revelations which we find uncomfortable.

I'm reasonably patient. I have a tether, as does any other, and I consider mine well set, yet some days I just can't take the feel of the collar any longer, and I take it off for a moment, and speak my mind. I'm usually not cruel, but I'm always honest. Sometime to the point of uncomfortable accuracy. At these times I am capable of remarkable intuitive accuracy. People get offended when you hit too close to the mark. So, I stop shooting.

I guess the moral of the story here is, for those of you who know me, the vast majority of the time I am being honest, but I'm also full of shit. Its for your benefit. You wouldn't be able to stand me if I wasn't this way. For this reason I don't mind when the things I say get twisted, because most of them were twisted from the start. Feel free to ask me my opinion, but you won't always get the honest one. You'll always get the one I think you ought to hear. That's nothing new. I just hope I limit that intuitive examination to people I don't like, the the number of people who don't like me may increase in value. That's not a good thing.

I hope you didn't take this too seriously. I'm tired, and basically, I'm full of shit. Happy hunting, whatever that means.

I blame society, and Leo

There's this funny story. If you know it then I'm sure you appreciate the humor. If not, don't worry about it. Hopefully it won't need to be told again.

I have made another decision which may or may not reflect itself on my day to day life. If I think something is funny I will laugh. If I'm happy about something I'll show it. I think the calm reserve thing is only doing so much for me. Then again, its all I got. That's it. Lets try not to resolve anything here.

The square root of 576

I've got some decisions to make, re: situational existence. I feel as though things have to change soon. They've been stagnant for far too long. And things have come up which make me question the current rut find myself in. Normally I'm in support of rutting. A good rut can do wonderful things for anybody. Its that pleasant little groove which is consistent in depth and breadth so as to comfort us in the regularity of its presence. Ruts are also hard to break out of. Not always a bad thing. If the rut you're in is sufficiently comforting it allows you to focus your attention on other things. I think this rut has pretty much run its course, however, and I am left unsatisfied.

I would like something. A good solid catalyst. A swift kick to flip me over and tumble me into something I neither expected nor would have found on my own. Ironically, there are two slaps waiting for me at the end of 24 hours. It was a fair bet, though I was foolish to make it. I have wondered and considered that perhaps my foolishness was a result of a comfort. For only in such a context would I have been so adamant on the wager. No matter, that is to be settled and there is no element of said transaction that need be altered. The matter which creases my brow is again that which I have expressed hope might be soon changed. To do so a vested interest must be taken. Until now, I realize, I have been taking my ease, expecting to jump out of the set pattern of my life via the concerted actions of fate and some elusive specter of whom I know not. I suppose I have been waiting. I know who it is I have been waiting for. I realized the wisdom which prevented me from making a choice this morning, giving advice to a friend. I commented on the nature of relationships, and how the reason why I was still content to wait was because under no circumstances would I have not had to wait. The person I've been waiting for would have had to be someone other than themselves in order to end my waiting and bring about a change in my life. I'm not sure it would have worked anyways. I haven't decided if I'm actually good for anyone. I suppose I would have to go ahead and see, but I am cautious by nature. I try to plan things, and be prepared before I enter them. I have heard it said that the times in your life you learn the most about yourself are when you are forced to meet a challenge without being ready. I'm almost always ready. I don't react well to surprise. I'm getting better, I promise.

It's obvious, at this point, that I'm having trouble organizing my thoughts, and really I'm just thinking out loud here. It's a way of expounding the troubling depths of my muddled understanding. Before entering, please don boots. Unfortunate, is it not, that the warning comes halfway, rather than before the path begins. That's how it goes.

Well I don't know if I've resolved anything, other than that I wanted to knock myself out of my usual pattern and into a more explosive experience, the resultant of which would invariably be change. I' m not going to do that. Not on my own. Maybe I'll keep waiting. Gosh, I hope there's a moral to this story. That's right, everything will become clear in the end. Damn book is upside down...

Rhetorical Five

I find it humorous, and a little humbling, reading the things my friends have written. Knowing them, I know where they're coming from. I'm sure it's the same if they read what I've written. I know their antics, their turns of phrase and the ways they have of getting their points across. Some non-confrontational, but with a soft kick now and then , just to see what can be done incident free. Another more aggressive, seemingly offensive but in truth direct and critically helpful, in a way generous. You may not agree with these short lines I've given to name you, but in my way I think you know I think I'm right.

I count on you to knock me down when I'm standing too tall. You know I can take it. You keep me from having complete privacy, and so I suppose thanks is in order. I've always tried to be generous; giving what I have if I don't need it and someone else does. I guess it's just nice to know these things are appreciated, and reciprocated, in one form or another. This isn't a direct notice, and should illicit no response. It's just a 'keep doin' what you're doin' ' to the Bros.

I want to be a better man

see title

An attempt at completion

Hey Joe, good to hear from you buddy. Hows the new year treatin' you? Fair enough.

You know, they used to say that each year had its own life. Anthropomorphically. Every January 1st a new baby is born, and over the course of the year it ages. By December 31st, that babe is ready to let the world move along without them. It adds a touch of the mystic to think of the year we experience in our lives, so fleeting, as being the entire span of life for a man or a woman. It calls to mind the contentment we experience in our lives. I've heard a couple of fifty year old women discussing how satisfied they are with life, and how if it ended today they wouldn't complain, supposing they were still in a state to do so. So, If it takes fifty-odd years for a woman to come to terms with her life and be happy, could this infant, born to live but one year, find peace within itself? I like to think so. I like to think of old man 2008 slipping away into the night with a half smile and a sparkle in his eye. I think in my mind this yearly babe reminds me of the ideas we already hold. In winter the babe is born, in the spring she blossoms into the healthy pink of life and newness, in the summer and fall she experiences the majesty of the world, and finally in the end of the year knows understanding. Consider, what could we learn if we simply took a year and did nothing but attempt to enjoy the quiet complexity with irreverent awe in a way which does not expect a clinical understanding, but the living thing's communion? To experience life, without burden of contribution, but with necessity of contemplation. How much would we learn? Unfortunately, we cannot all know this year. Hopefully over our lives we can find 365 days to take the time and enjoy our existence. It can be hard to do so. Time constraints or personal difficulty burden us. But there's no rush. There is time. After all, there's a three day old babe crying somewhere with no idea what is coming. But she's got 362 days to figure it out.

I know, Joe, I ramble, but stick with me. There's something else I want to tell you today.

When I was at home, spending a quiet new years with a few old friends, my good friend Andrew taught me something that I'd like to share. It surprised me. We were looking through the movies in my basement, and he spotted an old rubik's cube. He solved it, within a couple minutes. He explained to me how he did it. That cube had lain unsolved for at least twenty years. Twisted and confused. He came along, and he understood how it should be, how it was meant to look, and so he fixed it. I can't help but wonder if there is someone out there who could do that for me. For any of us. Solve us, from these half completed states. When I was younger I saw my brother start taking stickers off the cube, so that he could just fix it to look right. Now I realize how unfortunate that would have been. Not only the shallow depth of the thinking involved - the temporary band-aid solution - but the tragedy of a twisted and contorted inside that will never be solved, because from the outside it looks just fine.

In the spirit of the new year, with the new babe still crying, I'd like to think that we all have a little solving to do. We don't need to tell ourselves to do it. I figure, once we understand, it's going to happen one way or another. There's time. We'll be fine.

That's it. So long.